Lessons From a Departed Father

Perhaps this is not the best article to write given that it is a bit personal. It would have also been better to post on Father’s Day. However, I have been thinking about my dad a lot lately and some of the lessons he taught me. I promise I will try to connect the dots to my professional life.

On April 17, 2021, my dad died in a Jeep accident in Moab, UT. He and his best friend were getting back into his Jeep after watching others climb to the top of the cliff they were on. All of sudden there was a loud “BANG” and the Jeep rolled off the side of the cliff; unfortunately, neither of them were able to get out of the Jeep. This all happened a week before his 57th birthday. We were all devastated.

This accident forced me to reflect on my life and my time with my dad. We didn’t have the best relationship growing up, in fact, there were many years that I hated him. However, as we both got older, we began to understand each other, and he began working on himself. I am not sure he really had time to do that while I was growing up because the fact is my parents were young when I was born (my dad was 22 and my mom was 19) so they were just trying to survive. As I reflect on our relationship and the time I got to spend with him, I realize that even during our darkest days he taught me valuable lessons about life. So here are a few that I think are relevant to everyone.

1. Work hard for what you want in life. This may seem obvious and perhaps by now it is a cliché, but honestly, for many years I did not respect how hard he worked. After getting out of the Navy he went to work in a Shipyard making very little money while trying to support a wife and two kids. He was gone a lot which isn’t great, but he showed me what real hard work is and made me appreciate the value of working hard to create the life you want for yourself and your family.

2. Help people as often as you can. I never realized how much my dad helped people until he was gone. I knew he helped my sister, mom, and me, but there are so many other people he helped. I think it was a way that he showed love. Whether in one’s personal or professional life, helping people shows how you care about other humans and can make a lasting impact on everyone involved.

3. Formal education does not equal intelligence. Now I say that as someone who is a perpetual student, but my dad did not have a college education, yet he was one of the smartest people I have ever known. I used to tell people that my dad could read a book about how to build a nuclear bomb and then go and build one (I don’t think he actually ever did that). He was able to pick up things and become proficient quickly. This is one reason why I removed all formal education requirements from the job descriptions at Noms. I think there is a lot of value in college, and I would encourage anyone that wants to get a degree to do so; however, it does not necessarily mean that you are smarter or better at something than others. Education through experience can be just as valuable.

4. Look for the right opportunities and take them when you find them. When I was about 12 my dad got a job offer in a different field in a different state on the other side of the country. He took it! He knew that the opportunity could be good for the entire family. That along with his work ethic allowed him to change our family’s socioeconomic status which created a better life for all of us. Now, I am not afraid to take calculated chances. I think this is a good lesson for all because if you are unwilling to take a chance or seize an opportunity then you will likely never change your life. For some that is okay; it isn’t for me.

5. Constantly work on yourself and develop others. My dad started going to therapy when I was 18 and it helped him and our family tremendously. At some point, he stopped going to therapy, but he took the lessons with him and continued to try to be the person he wanted to be (and it was working). He also had a rule with his employees that after a certain amount of time they needed to find another job. He wanted his employees to grow and move beyond their roles. He spoke with them about their goals and provided them with as many developmental opportunities as possible. He never wanted to be the roadblock, he wanted to be the navigation system that helped them get where they wanted to go. This is something that I try to do for others, although, I am not sure I am as good at it as he was.

I often think about all these lessons and how I can apply them to my personal and professional life. I also think about how I can make sure I pass these lessons down to my son, while also adding some new ones that I think are important. A few months ago, my therapist asked me to write down the three things that I want my son to remember about me when I am no longer here. This was a tough question and not one I really wanted to consider; however, when I sat down to think about it, I came up with the following:

1. That I am always there for him. As I said, my dad wasn’t there much growing up. This was because he was working hard, and I appreciate that because he provided me with the opportunity to take a different path that allows me to be there for my son. Work can be fulfilling but we need to have balance and spend time with those that mean the most to us. I want my son to look back and remember the school events I went to, the songs we sang at bedtime, the dinners we had, the times I picked him up at school, the vacations we took, and the games I went to (if he plays sports). Some people must work so much that they cannot do those things, but for those of us that choose to prioritize work and success over family, we should reevaluate that.

2. That I love him no matter what and will always have his back. I don’t care if we disagree on politics, whether he is in the LGBTQ community, what he does for a living, or really anything else. I just want him to be a good person and happy, and I will do everything in my power to help him be those things. I love him for who he is, and he can always be uniquely him when he is around me. I hope that he brings that with him into his professional life and is accepting of others and helps foster an inclusive workplace, as well as be a voice for those that struggle to find their own.

3. That I always tried to learn from my mistakes and do better. I am far from a perfect person. I make mistakes all the time, but I am always trying to do better. I want him to see that I own my mistakes, apologize when I am wrong, and work on doing better next time. Again, this is a lesson I think he can take into the workplace. I have seen many people pass blame or make excuses for their actions, but that isn’t helpful. I want him to own up to what he does and then try to do better just like I am trying to do.

Each generation should try to make the life of the next better and my dad did that for me. Now it is my turn to take what I have learned and apply it to my life, as well as pass those lessons down to my son. I hope those that read this can relate or at least learn something. I think all the lessons described are applicable to personal and professional life because they both influence one another. You are not a work person or a home person, you are just a person, and you take all the good and bad stuff with you when you enter the world. We should appreciate the lessons that each part of life has given us and use them to be better than we were the day before.